Why are 6-7 meetings necessary before marriage? Experts say first treatment and then marriage

Ananya Shroff
12 Min Read

It is said that marriages are made in heaven and happen on earth. Some people match their horoscopes for marriage, but sometimes their hearts do not match. The reason for this could be not talking openly to each other before marriage or hiding something. Then later the same hidden things, the same qualities or the same flaws take the marriage to the verge of breaking.
So what are the possible solutions so that people living together can understand each other properly, evaluate each other and reach the right decision, Lokesh K. Bharti is giving information on these topics after talking to the best experts of the country.

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Expert told the story of Vikas and Richa

Vikas (name changed) was coming out of the court room. His lawyer was also present with him. He was discussing the divorce case with the lawyer. They had been married for just 6 months. His wife Richa (name changed) made some very serious allegations against Vikas. She said that Vikas tries to treat her like in porn films. When I protest repeatedly, he even tries to use force on her.

I have no problem with Vikas watching porn, but I cannot tolerate him repeatedly pressuring me to watch porn or trying to make me do so. Vikas doesn't care about what I like or don't like. If I don't agree to fulfill his uncomfortable desires, he starts abusing our relationship. He even threatens to have an affair with another woman.

Once the situation was such that when I did not obey him in bed, I felt that he would beat me. He used to say that if you are my wife then who will fulfill my desires? To get out of this mental confusion, I also planned to go to a clinical psychologist. I told Vikas that you need counseling. But he was not ready to agree. He said that he is not mad to go to a counselor. Only after this I decided to take a divorce.

Why did this happen to Richa?

The truth is that both of them met twice before marriage. Only good things were discussed. Topics like sex and the desire to live a sexual life according to porn were not discussed.
The case of these two is in court. It is possible that during the time they meet the court, they may get divorced or their relationship may improve.

But here are some important points to note:

-Did Vikas and Richa not talk to each other before marriage and even if they did, did they not talk about sexual desires? Obviously, they did talk, but neither Vikas nor Richa discussed the importance of sex and how much it is needed in life. Anyway, sex is a taboo subject in our country. People also avoid discussing it. But in the changing environment, it must be discussed. Similarly, if someone has any other problem, whether physical or mental, then he must tell. It is not right to hide it. It can be fatal in the future.
-Vikas did not try to understand Richa's feelings. Sex means equal participation of both. Only one's will should not prevail. One should know the difference between porn and reality.
-When Richa talked about counseling, she could have told Vikas that both of us are unhappy with this relationship. Maybe I am not able to understand you. I am going to meet the counselor first. If you want to come along, you can. Maybe Vikas would have said this and left. Then the work of the clinical psychologist would have become easier.

Is it necessary to give up to save a relationship?

It is said that to maintain relationships, one has to bend a little. If this bending is done from both sides, then the matter remains equal. If one partner bends too much, then he starts feeling small. Also, when he feels that even after bending, his importance is not being understood or his words are not being understood, then he becomes sad from within or gets angry, that is, he becomes emotionally unbalanced.

The right treatment can solve your problems

The right treatment can solve your problems

The point to note here is that everybody feels pain. It is just like when we are thirsty, everybody's throat becomes dry. But how much do we get bothered by that pain? How do we express that pain? How furious do we become in anger? Do we become violent? Do we start abusing? Do we start breaking things?
Simply put, when our emotions are not under our control, a bad situation is created in the house. There is unrest in the house. This has a bad effect on the home environment as well as on children and the elderly. During treatment, many times the case comes out as a serious mental illness. Whenever such a problem arises in a family, finding a solution to it in the right way, getting the right medical treatment makes big problems easier. Yes, we can call these minor challenges.

First treatment, then marriage

There is not much discussion on mental health in our country. It is not considered a health issue even today. But before making someone your life partner, if you understand that the person with whom you are going to spend your life has a mental problem, then treatment is necessary first and not marriage. Many times the family members get the couple married thinking that everything will be fine after marriage. This is a big mistake. One thing is certain that he/she needs treatment first.

Not 1-2 but 5-7 meetings are necessary before marriage

Not 1-2 but 5-7 meetings are necessary before marriage

If you are going to get married, do not take any decision under pressure or in a hurry. The reality is that when two strangers meet, no one tells everything about themselves nor does anyone say their negative things. The truth is that 1, 2 meetings are spent in Hi, Hello, family background and good talks only. Therefore, there should be 5-7 meetings. Each meeting should be at least 3 to 4 hours long. Both partners should explore each other.

Since the root cause of all fights is emotional hurt and not understanding emotions, it is important to know every aspect of emotions. This includes the reaction of a person when the other person gets angry, whether the other person wants to end the matter in a fight or drags the matter to strengthen his ego.
-Some church marriages also have provision for pre-marital counseling so that the couple can understand each other.
-When it becomes difficult to understand the other person before marriage, premarital counseling can be helpful.
-It is not right to hide any of your problems or illnesses before marriage because these things lead to separation.

Understand each other's feelings

Ask yourself how do you express your negative emotions when you are sad? If the answer is yes, then my anger is very dangerous. If I get angry at someone, I fight with him. I scold him very badly. This means that the person is not emotionally stable yet.
In such a situation, the other partner should know how to manage anger, otherwise there will be a lot of conflict. In most serious mental illnesses, one or the other emotion is seen at the extreme. For example: In bipolar disorder, on the one hand there is a state of overexcitement i.e. mania and on the other hand there is a state of extreme depression i.e. depression. Therefore, while preparing for marriage, definitely try to understand each other's emotions.

It is important to pay attention to the level of emotion

It is important to pay attention to the level of emotion

Many times girls like such boys who say that if you do not meet me then I will give up my life. Some even give up. The situation is the same with boys. Here it is important to understand that when the level of emotions is so high, then their expectations from each other after marriage are also very high. It has been seen many times in such couples that even talking to your colleague in the office makes the other partner look at you with suspicion.
This also becomes a reason for quarrel. By the way, doubts arise in arranged marriages too. Therefore, it is important that we first look at their emotional stability. We should also see how they react when their shortcomings are revealed to them. For this, if you want, you can say something bad about them. Tell them that you do not like their dressing sense. But keep in mind that such things should not be said in the first 1-2 meetings.

Signs of being emotionally unstable or overly egocentric

-Speaking rudely to people of lower status than you
Just talk about your feelings
-presenting oneself as a victim
Trying to have sex too early in a meeting
– Not being able to tolerate one's own badness, getting very angry.
-How many childhood friends does he have? This will show that he believes in long-lasting relationships.
-If you are having a fight with someone, you can ask him for suggestions in this regard.

expert panel
-Dr. Rajesh Sagar, Professor, Department of Psychiatry, AIIMS
-Dr. (Prof.) Manoj K. Sharma, Clinical Psychologist, NIMHANS
-Dr. Satyakant Trivedi, senior psychiatrist
-Dr. Rukhshida Saeeda, President, Bombay Psychiatric Society
-Dr. Ragini Singh, Psychiatrist Consultant
-Geetanjali Sharma, marriage counselor
-Kamna Chhibber, Clinical Psychologist

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